you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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