today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
