Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
