This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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