he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
