this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
