we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
