you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
