these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
