I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
