I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
