watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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