Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
