Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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