oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
