My hand turned me down
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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