Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
