my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
