FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
