I'm jealous of your bromance
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
