Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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