Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
