I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
