how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
