well I can't set my house on fire every night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
