You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
