What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
