I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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