my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
