puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
