Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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