Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
