I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
