I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
