i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
