Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
