dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
