At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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