i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
