watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
