i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
