he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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