You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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