Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
