Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize