He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
