My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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