And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
