you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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