made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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