I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize