nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
