Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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