Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
