I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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