I met the friendliest cop last night
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
