I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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