That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
