I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
