im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
