Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
